Save the Saviour
by littlelimbo
Summary: 5 years from Last Sacrifice. Rose and Adrian accidentally meet again. What will happen to them, since obviously they both have never stopped loving each other. Isn't going to be too long, please review, I'd really appreciate that. I don't own VA.
1. Chapter 1

1

When I left Adrian five years ago, it was the hardest decision in my life, but in the moment my wall that I've built to protect my heart from Dimitri's unwillingness to love me was broken it felt right. Yeah, it was right, but it was so wrong in the same time. I loved him. Who I'm trying to deceive? I've never stopped loving Adrian. No matter what love I felt for Dimitri, how obsessed I was with my feelings there's always been a tiny voice in my head telling me that leaving him was a huge mistake. And his last words complicated everything even more.

"There's been a lot of collateral damage along the way, while you battled against the world. I was a victim, obviously. But what's about Jill? What happens to her now that you've abandoned her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And where's your Alchemist?"

Remembering this words still hurt. I've never thought of myself as a selfish person, sure when I was accused of murdering Tatiana I was ready to do everything possible to clear my name. And obviously I really didn't paid much attention to other people's lives, but nevertheless those mostly were people I loved and cared for, so when was that starting point of my self-obsession? I've never been able to finally figure it out.

So when five years ago leaving my room Adrian said those hurting words I wondered if I'd ever see him again. "The contract's null and void." That was mean, but understandable, since I was the bad guy, broking his heart. And it also meant that probably he'd rather stake himself than look at me one more time.

And I've never seen him since then. Not until now. If I knew Lissa was going to invite him to her wedding I would've tried to talk her out of it. But that must have been the reason why she hided it.

It was five years since Lissa, Princess Vasilissa Dragomir, became the Queen Vasilissa Dragomir, since the dragon returned. I can't say it was too hard for Lissa to be literally the Queen in college, but it wasn't easy too. Every weekend or so we had to visit Court for all types of crown business. But nevertheless we managed to succeed in both being a Queen and her Guardian and having an almost usual life of college students. For Lissa weekends in Court were not only the time for work, but also for love, she and Christian managed to keep safe having long-distance relationship. For me, it was my days off, as well as Dimitri's. You know, it was never easy for us.

And now all the thoughts, all the sad feelings, all my love for Adrian that I kept hidden in the farest place of my soul were back. We were standing in the bar near Palace and just stared at each other. I saw the pain in his eyes as a reflection of my own. I heard he had some issues with Sydney, but she told me nothing during those rare meetings we had. I felt bad about that, as I felt bad for Lissa's decision to send Jill back to St. Vladimir's to finish studying. Jill was now the owner of the Princess Dragomir title, representative of the royal bloodline that was almost lost in time five years ago. But all that royalty was meaningless for Jill since the two of them have failed to get along.

But it wasn't Jill or Lissa who I was worried about right now. It was me and my most of the time messed up love life.

By the way, I've never stopped thinking about Dimitri, even when I was dating Adrian the hope was there. But in the moment our eyes met something strange was happening to me. All I was thinking of was Adrian. He certainly grew up; I could see that in his emerald green eyes. For a moment I hoped it was a dream, even the spirit one, but no such luck.

I felt guilty when we broke up, but now somehow I managed to forget all that and for the first time in my life I felt nothing. Literally. But then it came: anger, frustration, and in the same time overwhelming sadness and need to feel his lips on mine. Stop, Rose, even thinking about it must be considered as cheating. Too bad Christian and Dimitri will be here only next Friday, just before the wedding.

We were staring at each other and it seemed like forever, but more likely just for a few minutes. It was an early morning and except for the bar manager there were no one here and no one broke the silence. Still looking me right in the eyes he made a step forward cutting the distance. He was like a snake, and I was his prey. I wasn't actually sure why I was so occupied with his eyes and why I couldn't resist his stare. All I could think of was Adrian and what I've done five years ago.

And then it was, he was too close to me to make any more steps. I felt dizzy with the scent of his cologne, the same as always. It was wrong to enjoy it after all this years, after what I've done to him and foremost because of Dimitri. But there I was, preoccupied by him, almost feeling the warmth of his body and totally feeling the sparks all around us. I had to raise my head to be able not to break off our eye contact.

"You still smell like currant… and yourself like old times. Intoxicating as always," he said not moving an inch and so did I, though I was shocked with the tone of his voice. He was murmuring those words, so that I was the only one to hear them. And there was something that I didn't heard for so long – passion mixed with adoration that I only associated with Adrian.

And then it was.

He pushed me to the wall and started kissing so passionately that I couldn't resist. Gosh, I had no intention to resist. I kissed him back even harder feeling something like an electric discharge. I've never ever felt that before with Adrian, only Dimitri was the one to have such an impact on me.

There was nothing in that kiss, and there was everything – love, lust, tenderness, revenge, sadness and happiness. I curled my hands into his hair, pushing him harder to me. And then I realized that it was all wrong, it was a bad dream that I had to wake up from. I am with Dimitri. But that was Adrian, my Adrian, my lost Moroi love, the one that I left for Dimitri. It had to stop. I put all my willingness and strengths and pushed Adrian back, it was pretty hard, but he managed to keep his balance, only stepping back a little.

"You've softened, my little dhampir," he said with a smile gasping for breath frustration and lust still in his eyes.

I was surprised at myself that I didn't punch him at the moment or cried out all the bad words I knew. I was just staring at him seriously and then said in calm voice,

"I can't do this again; I can't repeat my own mistakes. I hurt you and I hurt myself back then. And no matter what I feel for you right now and what I've always felt, it's not going to change anything. I can't let another one get hurt. I'm sorry, Adrian," I was almost crying at the end of my little speech. And to prevent the monologue of his own I turned around and left him frustrated and confused. I myself was more than disoriented and puzzled. For these short ten minutes I lost confidence in the stability of my life and wasn't sure how I would handle it.

Dimitri was coming in a week. Only a week to wait. But according to my own life experience even a week can change everything.


	2. Chapter 2

2

The most dangerous part of this meeting with Adrian was that he could start visiting me in my dreams again. And to say that I was afraid of that means say nothing. I was terrified since obviously I couldn't control myself or wasn't just able to resist a tiny compulsion Adrian used on me. I was helpless with him, and there was no way to get rid of that feeling. All I could hope was that he didn't want to see me either.

It was never easy to deal with my love life. I wanted to love Mason as he was the best and obvious choice for a boyfriend, but failed. I wanted to be with Dimitri when I was in school, but he was turned Strigoi. It took much time, effort and self-control to find him in Siberia to kill him and save his soul, but I failed this challenge too. When we were finally together I had to break up with Adrian. And all I wanted in that moment was not to break his heart, but that was doomed to failure. I'm a complete mess, as you see.

And now I was in the middle of something again, unwillingly forming a new love triangle. Being stuck between Dimitri and Adrian again was unbearable, though in the moment I was hundred percent sure, that I wouldn't let anything happen to Dimitri's heart. But Adrian obviously had other plans.

I heard a knock at the door and felt the nausea coming. But not the one I felt near Strigoi; it was fear. I was scared that it might be Adrian and his gorgeous hypnotizing eyes.

Right, that's me, Rose Hathaway, the fearless Strigoi fighter, the one who killed more Strigoi before her eighteenth birthday than most Guardians would kill in their whole lives. That's me, sitting in my room and terrified to face some Moroi. Who am I kidding? Definitely not some Moroi, the Moroi. Fascinating Adrian Ivashkov, the one who became a man since I last saw him five years ago. And this fact complicated things much much more.

"Rose!" I heard Lissa's voice from behind the door and sighed in relief.

"Come on in, it's open."

Lissa entered my room and sat in the armchair in front of me. I didn't move an inch just following her with my eyes. We stayed silent for a while, just looking at each other. We no more had the bond, but both Lissa and me were best friends and had no problem with understanding when something was wrong with either of us.

"When were you going to tell me?" I said finally.

"Tell you what?"

"Oh, come on, Liss," I jumped to my feet, "you know exactly who I'm talking about!"

"Adrian?" she asked in an innocent voice.

"Yes! Adrian, that son of a… God, Lissa, have you thought about me, about my feelings?" I saw regret in her eyes, but I also saw confidence in her decision. And that was the last straw.

"But you love Dimitri, and you with him," she pointed out, "you chose him over Adrian five years ago, I though you will be able to handle such situation."

"You thought so?" I said loudly.

"Calm down, he is my friend, and it is my wedding. Moreover, he's another spirit user, you know how's that important for me. I still want to learn how to dream walk and he can help," she said with a little bit of calming compulsion.

"Don't even try to calm me down with your magic!"

"Ok, Rose, but you really can handle it, you so strong!"

"Strong?" I cried. "Adrian kissed me today."

Lissa gasped with surprise.

"And do you know what I've done? I kissed him back! You're still thinking I'm strong enough to be around him?"

"But…" she was almost speechless, "But back then you were so sure in your decision, you said he wasn't the one for you as you wasn't the one for him."

"Yeah, that's right – back then. We were like guns and flowers, just different people. And now… he changed, you saw him? He matured, became a man I wished he were five years ago. I saw wisdom in his eyes and power; he is much more powerful as a person now. And he used his magic playfully; it seems like he didn't even noticed he used compulsion on me; I was trapped by his gaze. And do you know the worst part? Today's Adrian is the one for me as well as Dimitri. I'm totally confused!"

"Rose..." Lissa whispered, "I had no idea..."

"Sure you didn't know, but you could've told me. I know, nothing would've changed, but at least I would've been prepared to meet him and wouldn't have been in such shock this morning."

It was hard for me to be so abrupt with Lissa, not only because she was a Queen, but mostly because she was my best friend since we were kids. But we had already had such an issue in the past, when she saved Dimitri staking him and healing his soul to turn him back to Dhampir. I had a hard time accepting his unwillingness to see me and love me when at the same time he swore to be with Lissa for the rest of his life, guarding her and making everything possible to keep her safe. Back then I hated her for being innocence itself all protective and caring. I wanted to be the one to be praised as I made impossible to help him and he only saw Lissa as a Saviour.

And now Lissa made things complicated again. I had no idea what to do with all this.

"He asked about you," murmured Lissa so that one could hardly hear, but my sensitive hearing caught her words.

"When?"

"When I called to invite him to the wedding," she answered. "He wanted to know are you going to be there or not."

"He supposed I would miss it?"

"I think it's not the point. There must be more. You knew he was involved with Sidney?" I bit my lip not to exclaim something rude, because the thought of him and Sidney was hurting to my surprise and displeasure. "They split up pretty quickly."

"She couldn't bear him drinking and smoking?" I said sarcastically.

Lissa frowned.

"No, he wasn't able to forget you and thought he had no right to use her to live through your break up and ease the pain you left him with."

"You know too much for the one who just had a quick phone call," I said suspiciously, hiding the pain that was burning me inside.

"I had more than just one call. We talk from time to time," she confessed shyly.

"Lissa!" I exclaimed. I wanted to start a new tirade when someone knocked at the door again. That definitely wasn't Lissa as she was sitting in front of me and by the expression on her face I understood that that might be the only one person. "It's him, right?" I asked feeling doomed.

Lissa said nothing, just nodded and made her way to the door. I saw her opening it but didn't see the visitor. I was thinking about the possibility to run away through the window but decided out of it. I wasn't ready to face Adrian yet, but was able to pretend. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I didn't hear what Lissa and the visitor were talking about, and I didn't notice when Lissa left. When I finally returned from my inner world to the reality I saw Adrian standing in front of me. He was gorgeous. Attractive. Sexy, definitely sexy.

But it didn't matter in the moment; all that matter was his eyes. I half expected, half hoped to see him drunk. But he was absolutely sober and restrained, he smelt like always with a touch of expensive tobacco. He was wearing the same pale green sweater that matched his eyes, and his head was in the same mess as always, though I was hundred percent sure he was doing his hair for at least an hour today. I tried to stop thinking of how soft it felt under my fingers. It was hard to be with him tête-à-tête without thinking of how wonderfully we were spending time when we were together.

"Adrian..." I tasted his name on my tongue like for the first time in my life, feeling extremely bad of enjoying it.

"Rose..." he murmured and it was so intimate that I felt tears forming in the corners of my eyes, "Rose..." he repeated, but I pushed my finger to his mouth.

"Shh..." I murmured in response. I didn't want to talk; I didn't need it knowing it would only complicate things even more. And in the moment I touched his lips I felt an electric discharge causing me to flinch, my eyes wide open.

He took my hands in his and looking me right in the eyes said,

"We need to talk, you can't avoid me all the time," he said in a soft voice and sounded so mature that I wished that earth could swallow me up so that I hadn't have to make another crucial decision.

Some call me rough Rose, some call me a legend, but in that moment I was just a twenty-three years old girl with messed up love life and her ex-boyfriend who she'd never stopped loving in a dangerous proximity.

"Why?" I asked Adrian. "Why? I was yours once, but now I'm not. Do you think you're able to change anything?"

"I've changed, Rose, just how you wanted, how you promised me. And when I felt that change in me, I understood that hope springs eternal in the human breast. Since then I've never lost hope, like you did with Dimitri. That is why, my little dhampir..."


	3. Chapter 3

3

It was definitely not what I could've expected from Adrian. He has always been the irresponsible one, I wasn't the most law and rules respecting person, but at least I had some knowledge of being protective of the people I love: It was hard to believe that Adrian took some mature decision and found strengths to fight for something he wants. Back in St. Vladimir's he made a list of reasons why we should be together and one of the first was that he would give up drinking and smoking for me. And that's why back then we weren't meant to be together for the rest of our lives. He was improving as a person, but he wasn't doing that for himself, and that was the problem. I wanted him to grow up and in that moment he wasn't really ready for that. I knew the day would come and he'd mature and I was proud of the potential changes.

"Rose, I'm an addict with no work ethic who is likely going to go insane. I'm not like you. I'm not a superhero," - Adrian told me back then.

"Not yet," I said and I meant that. But I didn't bother to think about what would happen if he would become that person who I wished he would've been. And now I'm facing the consequences of my words. Seems like my past always finds me and tries to kick my ass.

We both were still standing in the center of my room, my hands in his, so close to each that I felt him with my skin. It was a challenge to be with him in the same room, but such proximity made me strain. I felt tension in the air and I saw he felt it too.

"Adrian..." I murmured for the second time. I couldn't find the right words to describe the feelings that were burning me inside. But at the same time I didn't want to share them as I didn't want him to think that there was really some hope left, though my heart was screaming the opposite. And I knew it was right that until Adrian was somewhere close the possibility of me messing up with him was pretty high, but I still was thinking of Dimitri and how he obviously wished to see me sooner and expected to find me waiting for him and not craving for Adrian Ivashkov's kiss.

"It's a revolution to be so close to you," Adrian spoke. "I sure hoped but never actually expected to be somewhere so close. I thought either you or your Russian would beat the life out of me before I make a step in your direction. Or I could've chicken out myself, but when I saw you in the bar this morning I understood, now or never."

"You used compulsion on me so I couldn't tear myself away from your eyes," I exclaimed.

"I did not!" he exclaimed sharply.

"You did, and didn't even notice. That's the power inside of you that was sleeping when you were trying to wash it down with whiskey and cigarettes. I told you that once you would become a superhero."

"Just like you..." he whispered.

And we went silent again examining each other. I saw a tiny scar on his cheek that I've never seen earlier. It was right beneath his eye. I freed my hand from his grip and instinctively stroked it making Adrian startle with surprise.

"Rose, please, don't! I want this, but not until you want this too. I'm not that spoiled royal Moroi I used to be. I changed in the moment I saw you for the first time, but I changed even more after you left me. I want you back more than anything in this life, but if you'd tell me that you're happy with Russian more than you might be with me than I'll leave you alone, I want you to be happy, that's my highest priority," Adrian was whispering those word in my ear and I felt tears for the second time today.

"Adrian..." I said for the third time, "I can't..."

"You can't what?" he asked wiping my tears.

"I can't choose, I don't think I will ever be able to do this!" I was totally crying. Adrian stared at my wet face for a moment and then pushed me closer to him, hugging me like he used to.

"You won't have to choose, you heart will do that for you. My little dhampir, just wait for the passion to fill our stricken hearts, that will burn inside again, and you will understand," he murmured.

I felt like I was falling, not on the floor but in the middle of nowhere. There I could hide my feeling and my fears, but I wasn't able to do this, I saw those feelings for Adrian - love, desire and fascination - getting only stronger and understood that I couldn't fight them just because I wasn't the one to win that battle.

"Rose, out of everyone, you know me best, you know who I am and who I can become, because out of everyone, you were the only one who took the time to see my inner world, discover and explore my soul. And when you left for pretty long time I've just tried to fill this void inside of me with another hole. You've set my heart on fire and I was sitting and watching it burn. But then something happened and I let the rain wash away the ashes and grow me another heart that loved you even more, which is almost impossible. You just have to let love flow again and understand that life is just beginning!"

Why do I always have two men around me, is it some kind of heredity from Abe? I was tired of them all, I need some quiet place to think about everything that happened today and try to find myself in this mess. And in the moment I understood what I needed to do, I was able to pull myself together.

"Adrian," this time I said it without hesitation in a voice of a Guardian, "you're right, I know you better than anyone and I know that you feelings for me are growing stronger, but I also know Dimitri and that he needs me as much as you need me. That is why I have to think. I need to understand what's happening to me to make the right decision. And now I can't be sure which one of you is the one for me, because at the moment I'm not sure who I am."

I stepped back.

"You'll have to wait, but I can't promise you anything as I don't want to raise your hopes."

I touched his cheek one more time.

"Now go, I'm sure you have something to do!" I smiled and he smiled back making me feel less bad about having any hesitations about either of them.

He was opening the door when I called him and he turned back surprise all over his face.

"What?" Adrian asked confused.

"I just want you to know, that I've never forgot about you, and I've never forgot... that I loved you!"


	4. Chapter 4

4

I needed to take this weight off my mind, I needed some distraction to avoid thinking about everything happened yesterday. At first I thought it's necessary to call Dimitri and tell him everything, but decided out of it as I was sure he would either freak out or give me another lecture about how important to make a right decision and that he would be there for me whatever I decide. And I wasn't really sure what was worse.

I called Lissa and asked if there was something she needed me for, but she said that everything's under control. I even called Mia to check on her and wonder if she wanted to hang out, but she was busy with something. Sidney's phone was out of coverage so I couldn't even speak with somebody who's far far away.

When I ran out of ideas I understood that there was only one option left. Two indeed, but being stuck alone wasn't really an option. So I called Eddie. Since we were given our assignments we haven't been talking too much - quick meetings when Lissa and I visited Court, but nothing more. He was the Guardian of Amelia Badica, one of the royal offsprings, but not the worst. I knew they were getting along well, but she was living at Court and so Eddie had a pretty quiet job, obviously not what he expected and wanted. He'd never accused me of anything as telling the truth that was pretty prestigious position, but I myself have always felt awful blaming myself of that assignment, feeling that if it wasn't because of me, he would've got a job he had wanted. That was the reason that I haven't really wanted to meet him now, when I was so vulnerable but in that moment I needed him. And without all that self-analysis and attempts to find the guilty one Eddie was one of my best friends, we were close back then and since we both were now stuck in the Court for the rest of our lives (hopefully) I decided it would've been wonderful to renew our friendship.

We met at the same bar I'd met Adrian yesterday; maybe it wasn't my best idea but it was a chance to strengthen my will and the ability to resist him. My heart missed a beat when I entered the bar remembering what I felt when his lips were touching mine. Gosh! I couldn't help but think about that but was trying to pull those thoughts out of my head.

"So, tell me everything!" I exclaimed with sparkling eyes when Eddie finally sat in front of me. He smiled and behind that smile I saw pain.

"I missed you, Rose," he said, "it was hard to find my place in the world of royal Moroi, when you were so far and we couldn't even hang out... I'm sure you would've been able to explain me how to deal with all those spoiled kids."

I smiled warmly.

"Eddie, I knew you were able to manage it yourself, you're much wiser and stronger than me. And obviously didn't have all those factors that would've drawn your attention from doing your job perfectly. And I know you did, you're the best!"

He couldn't hide his pride.

"Well, not the best, but maybe the second," he winked me. I rolled up my eyes and shrugged. "By the way, I heard you and Adrian are back together. You know, all that public display of emotions," he raised an eyebrow showing his amusement.

"God, this place is evil! Where the hell have you heard it?"

"Rumors spread quickly, exactly if you don't bother to find a quiet isolated place with no gossipy barmen anywhere around. But being serious, what happened?" he asked finally stopping to put me to the blush. "I didn't actually believe all that."

"Unfortunately, you should've believed, those about Adrian and me kissing are true though we're not back together anytime soon," I said being not so sure about the last statement.

"And what's about Dimitri?"

"What's about him? He's still my boyfriend," I said though I wasn't so sure about this either.

"Rose, don't you think it's not fair to act like that behind his back?" Eddie asked concerned.

"Gosh, of course it's not! But I don't know how to deal with all this without hurting anyone," I said tears in my eyes again, that wasn't a good tendency.

We went silent, both thinking about the same thing. I knew I should've called Dimitri and told him everything, but in the same time I wanted to keep him out of it for a while. My overprotective nature was trying to protect him and my sense of honour told me that telling him this over the phone is at least mean and cowardly. I felt that Dimitri deserved more than just a phone call with apologies and quick explanation; I knew he would have preferred to look me in the eyes and I was sure that I'd have liked to face him like that and be sure he would understand my train of thoughts.

"Eddie, you know me, I don't know, like forever, so tell me, why I am always find myself in situations like this?" I asked doomed.

"It's not that bad, Rose," he said philosophically, he has always been wise beyond his years. "It was never easy to be you, but life difficulties made you brave and strong, and caring, and sometimes fearless. You can handle the situation no one else can. You left school to find and kill the love of your life, and even if you didn't kill him, it doesn't matter, because you found him and almost did it. And your failure with this challenge led to Dimitri's awakening from Strigoi dream, and at that moment you've just turned eighteen. And you know what? Mason would've been proud of you, he had always known that you were amazing, but you turned out to be even more, you're perfect. Even if Adrian made you choose between them, and if he didn't do it intentionally you did it yourself, you would make a right decision. But please, Rose, try to choose not the one who's best for you, because neither of them do, and deep inside you know that, but the one with whom you want to be the best and find a room for self-development."

I was thinking about Eddie's words. Was I really that good? Could I be with the man I deserved, the man who deserved me? Or was I doomed to be alone or stuck between the two of them forever? Maybe it would be better to leave them both behind and focus on Lissa, maybe it would, but it was impossible with Dimitri as Christian's guardian and Adrian hanging around all the time. Or maybe I could've run away and spent the rest of life with Abe travelling all around the world. That wasn't that bad – being Zmey's daughter and having my own reputation as a backup I could've been quiet a dreadful though handsome businesswoman, maybe people would call me Zmeyette.

I smiled to my own thoughts, but Eddie could've decided it was the first symptoms of hysterics and started speaking again pulling me out from my inner world of self-destruction and self-pity.

"You really can handle it, just look inside of you and the answer is right there, you should just see it," he said smiling a little bit.

"It's easy as you say it," I smiled in return, "but I'm not even sure who I am now, I lost myself in this battle for love in which I was involved without me knowing."

"How's that? How could you lose yourself? You're Rose Hathaway, the best of the best, the most kind and deadly person I know. To tell the truth, you're the only person I know who is that kind and that deadly, except for the Russian guy maybe, but seriously, you're better."

I couldn't help but laugh at his face expression – some mix of adoration and sarcasm, I didn't even know how's that even possible.

"You're really the best friend, Eddie!"

We stayed at the bar for another couple of hours remembering all the stuff that happened to us when we were younger, less responsible and much freer to make our own choices. I felt relieved that I hadn't ruined our friendship for the past years and mostly because Eddie made me feel better about everything that was happening between me and Adrian.

When he finally had to go, I decided that I needed to see Adrian. This time I was ready to face him; I was ready to at least explain him why it was so hard for me to be stuck between them.

Knocking at his door I thought that it might be the greatest mistake of my life, as I wanted to start the game, I wanted both Dimitri and Adrian help me find what is really important. I didn't need big gestures or expensive presents, I wanted them to show me their inner worlds, to open up and show me all the hidden places of their souls, all the beauty of their hearts and all the darkness that was hiding inside. And I was ready to do the same not only to see if they could handle me but to see if they are ready to handle.

"Rose?" Adrian seemed surprised.

Looking at his fathomless eyes full of all kind of emotions I almost freaked out, as what I was going to do in the next couple of minutes weren't even close to normal.

"You said it's a revolution to be close to me, but you were wrong. It was just final step be the one who you've supposed to be," I said touching his chest where the heart was beating hard. "When I was a child, I had very difficult relationships with my mother, those relationships I couldn't even call relationship, I had no idea who my father was, and I had only Lissa, to tell the truth Lissa's parents and Andre were my family. And I thought it was not fair that not everyone had equal opportunities. So I was hanging upside down hoping that the world would change. That's who I am, Adrian, that's a part of my soul that I completely forgot about. Are you ready to explore the darkest and the brightest corridors of my mind, those that I have no idea about? Are you ready to do this with me? And the answer to this question isn't 'yes' or 'no', I'm expecting you to do the same, to open up and show every piece of darkness, every dirty secret every painful moment of life as well as the happiest times and optimistic thoughts. So what do you think, Adrian Ivashkov?"

"I have only one thing for you, Rosemarie Hathaway," he said taking my hand and gently pushed me inside his room. I was facing him fearlessly with no intention to step back whatever happens next.

I couldn't see auras, but I felt something happening to him. Adrian's eyes became concentrated on mine and when he leaned to me and pressed his lips to mine my world exploded.

I saw images, hundreds of thousands images, like a slideshow , but those weren't pictures those were emotions he felt in the moment – confusion, passion, lust, fear, even terror that I would break the kiss, happiness, hope, enormous amount of hope, satisfaction, sadness, jealousy, gratitude for the second chance and much more. And behind all that I saw the little boy who was looking at me with emerald green eyes that should nothing but pure love.

I winked and the little boy's eyes turned out to be Adrian's.

"That was the answer, Rose," he murmured as my heart missed a beat.


	5. Chapter 5

5

That night I spent in Adrian's room, not that we had something inappropriate, no. He didn't listen to my protests and made me sleep in his bed while he settled down on the couch. That wasn't fair to him taking into consideration the fact that I could sleep even standing and he needed a comfortable place. But obviously with the voting right of the royal blood came the gentleman code, I could've argued with him for hours and he would've not changed his mind. Although it didn't matter where to lie, I couldn't fall asleep at all, trying to digest what just happened.

After that unimaginable kiss I understood that it would be much harder to choose between Adrian and Dimitri than I previously expected. They both had a number of qualities that prevented me from doing it quickly. Gorgeous? Check! Smart? Check! Brave and courageous? Check! Beautiful souls? Check! Always ready to follow me up when I decide to do something incredibly stupid and impossible to achieve some unbelievable goal? Check!

Was that enough? It was more than enough, because besides all that they both were incredibly strong inside and in the same time defenseless without me. They both needed me and without knowing about that earlier I knew now that I needed them too, both of them. They were the same and so different, all-forgiving though they've always had problems with forgiving themselves. I knew them like no one did and they still could surprise me as Adrian did with that new ability of him.

I couldn't sleep thinking about Dimitri. He was happy in the moment, waiting with anticipation for us to finally be together, he had no idea what I was facing now and that there was a slight chance that I would turn our lives upside down. I should totally add 'changing the world multiple times' to my resume or list of hobbies. I also wondered if there was a way to deal with this without making everyone suffer. Obviously there wasn't.

My mother always called me a troubled child, she was right, if there were some circumstantial issues most likely it was my handiwork. But I think it was obvious I grew up like that with such a father, even if I hadn't known him until I was eighteen and met him in Siberia while I was looking for Dimitri for the first time; Abe's love for sophisticates and impossible schemes ran in my blood. When I wasn't occupied with all that self-reproaching I was sure that I'm the perfect mix of my parents' qualities - I was strong and confident, willing to swear my guts out and to do all in my power to protect those I love and those I have to keep safe, that's from my legendary mother; I was also a rebel, always fighting against the system, trying to do impossible to achieve the goal that I defined, I was ready to break any rule, any law to help people who are in my heart and even if sometimes my motives aren't completely clear, I do all that for the sake of my beloved, that's what my father endowed me with. But seriously, almost all the qualities my mother has, Abe has too, as well as Janine has something from him.

So, I've always been a trouble seeker, but I would've rather said that troubles were looking for me; I was usually just in the wrong place in the wrong time. And that time the wrong place was my life, which sucked then by the way.

"Are you awake?" Adrian asked under his breath.

"Yup, can't sleep," I smiled to nowhere. "I can't stop thinking about all this. And I was also wondering why my mother started dating Abe in the first place, not mentioning her odd decision to give birth to me. I've never asked them about it, but if now Janine is much more close to me, I can even call her my friend, back when I was little she didn't look like a child-lover at all."

I felt Adrian smiling.

"You'll never know what crazy and wonderful thoughts are crowding in the heads of your parents, but if you want to know my opinion, then I think Abe is an outstanding person. For a Moroi he's pretty strong physically and he has that look, you know, that shows that there're just a few people that he can really respect and even that respect has been won with blood and sweat."

We were silent for a while until Adrian spoke again.

"You know, you're a lot like him, sure you have some esteem for most of the Guardians and you feel confident in some Moroi, but you've always been like unachievable ideal of everything that a person should be. And even if sometimes I don't like your methods, everyone accept them because sometimes only your unbelievable train of thoughts can deliver to the final destination. And that makes you look a little arrogant though this somehow suits you and doesn't make you look like a selfish bitch,' he laughed and I made a face in response.

"Thank you, Adrian, you're not a bitchy person yourself," I said sarcastically. "Hey," I said all serious, "when did you learn that thing with emotions?"

Adrian didn't answered at first, obviously thinking about what to say.

"You won't believe me, if I tell you, Rose," he said finally. "I've never done it before, when you asked, I just wanted to kiss you one more time, before saying that I'm ready to do all you want to fight for your heart, but when my lips touched yours I felt a strange feeling, like a tiny voice, that said that I should free myself from all the walls and open my mind and my heart like I do when I visit you in a dream, and then it happened."

I looked at him with my eyes wide open, he was right I couldn't quite believe him, but something told that Adrian was telling the truth.

"Well," I said, "we've never known all the possibilities of this element, and, yeah, mysterious are the ways of the Spirit!" sounding all Spirit-fearing, which made us both laugh at my pomposity.

"Adrian, tell me one more thing," I said.

"Anything for you."

"Do you still think, that I use people to make my plans come true and don't think what effect on them my actions can have?"

"Yes," Adrian said simply. I glanced at him and he returned the gaze. "Don't look at me like that, Rose. I've already said that I don't approve your methods, but nevertheless I love you like that, love you for who you are."

"How's Sidney?" I whispered a few seconds later. "We haven't actually stayed in touch for the last years."

I rolled onto my left and started watching Adrian. I immediately caught a pained expression on his face and felt guilty for bringing this up.

"I'm... I'm not quite sure now," he mumbled. "We sort of had a pretty hard break up."

"Sorry... I didn't want to hurt you," I murmured apologetically.

"It's ok, really. I just respected her too much to let her suffer from my monogamous heart," he smiled.

"How monogamy can be a prob...? Ooh," I felt especially guilty. "God, Adrian, I completely ruined her life! I'm an awful person."

"Don't be ridiculous, you didn't, no one did. She's with Ian now, don't worry, she's ok, I just decided that there was no future for us. We belong to different universes and neither of them would've approved us. Moreover there was you, despite the hatred of you that I felt, despite the desire to destroy every piece, every remind of you, there was always an enormous part of me, that wasn't ready to give up on you. That's who you are, Rose Hathaway, you are the one who makes people better, who inspire them to accomplish something incredible. Don't you ever forget that!"

I was confused again. Was I an exploiter or was I a saint? It was hard to imagine, that such opposites can be mixed in one body of mine. I knew that there was still plenty of darkness inside of me, that I took from Lissa just before that fatal shot which almost killed me. Most likely this situation pushed me a mile closer to the insanity. If I stayed with Adrian, we could've gone insane together. I smiled to my own thoughts.

"What?" Adrian asked obviously noticing it.

"I just thought that one day we're going to go insane, not just you and Lissa, me too, as there's a lot of darkness hiding inside of me, ready to break out and take me up," I winked him. "But then we'll be together in the world of craziness."

Adrian grinned. Sure we would've been a great couple, even considering the fact that I was a Dhampir and he was a royal Moroi. But there was also Dimitri, the love of my life, I wasn't ready to leave him, it was impossible to image me without him, though one part of my soul craved to try it again with Adrian. So hard, so painful. I again was stuck between two different parts of me.

And then my thoughts were interrupted by an unbearable pang. It lasted just a second but I felt like I was falling, darkness all around me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't see or hear anything; I was caught in a trap of this sudden pain attack. And all of a sudden it was gone, leaving me with a heavy heart and nervousness.

I was still in shock, when I saw Adrian jumping up and running to me. He was talking to me, but I couldn't hear him, just saw how he mouthed something. I felt weird, nothing seemed important, I couldn't understand what just happened, but somehow felt relieved and enraged in the same time. Adrian was my angel, I saw the sparkles all around him, he was, like, shining, the most beautiful creature on the planet.

"I love you, Adrian, I still love you more than ever," I said and didn't recognize my own voice.

"It's okay, Rose, it's alright, I'm here with you," I finally started to hear him murmuring, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving you, my little Dhampir."

And despite he promised me that everything is okay, part of me knew that it wasn't. That part of me was dying and I could do nothing to help it or even to understand why.


	6. Chapter 6

6

When I woke up in Adrian's hands feeling protected as never it was still daylight, so obviously I hadn't slept for too long. In the moment my eyes flew open, his body strained.

"Have you slept at all?" I asked in a weak voice.

"You needed me, I couldn't leave you alone," he said calmly. "Despite all that mess, first of all you're my friend and in the moments like that I couldn't help be there for you."

I looked in his eyes and saw there no hint of lust or desire; there were only pure love and overprotectiveness. It wasn't the Adrian I knew five years ago who had always had some ironic comment or sarcastic remark, it was an adult with an understanding of right and wrong, and of what he had to do in some situations. He was able to forget about his ego, his needs and wishes. It was an act of a grown man, another proof of his maturity. My heart missed a beat at the recognition of that.

"You aura," Adrian voice was shaking, "it disappeared for a second. Do you understand that? Completely disappeared for a while, you had no aura for a brief moment. I can't understand how that was possible. I was scared; I've never been so scared in my life, Rose. I've never been so worried either, even when Aunt Tatiana was killed."

I saw tears in his eyes and pushed his face closer to mine.

"I'm alright now, Adrian, everything's fine with me!"

That seemed to have no effect on him: Adrian's body was shaking in crying. I kissed his forehead, my hands around him, and saw the kaleidoscope of his emotions again. This time I didn't saw happiness or sadness, I didn't saw any lust, any hidden motive, there was no jealousy or anything like that. Adrian's soul was full of only three emotions - he made it clear he loved me, he was scared of what happened to me and of lack of understanding, and the third one was explaining why he wasn't jealous - in his mind I've already been with him. It was confusing though deep inside one part of my heart was celebrating, while the other one was... dead. It made me pull myself together.

"Something bad happened last night," I said and in the same moment someone knocked on the door. "I'll open," I told Adrian.

That was Lissa, by the look on her face it was obvious she wasn't surprised to see me here and it was obvious that she had no good news. I saw her staring at me like when she was examining my aura. Seriously, what was wrong with those Spirit users? Why do they always see something wrong about my aura and tell me nothing.

"What?" I asked irritated forgetting that there was a reason of Lissa coming here.

"Rose, you need to sit down," I heard a faint note of panic in her voice. Adrian must have heard it too; he immediately appeared next to me. I nodded and sat on the couch, Adrian next to me, Lissa in the armchair in front of me.

I looked her right in the eyes and saw it. The unbearable pain, moreover she was suffering of the thought of telling me the same she managed to learn earlier than me. And I also saw that she understood that her pain is nothing compared to what I was going to feel.

No way. It wasn't it. It couldn't. I wasn't able to believe in it, I didn't want to believe, but I've already known the truth.

"It's him, right?" I asked in a voice too calm to be true. It was the first stage, denial. "No way!"

"Rose," Lissa said with a touch of compulsion, Adrian did the same. I was broken, so I didn't even have strength to protest or resist. "He went to Russia, to visit his family and tell them something. They had a Strigoi attack on the village, Dimitri fought to protect everybody, but they had Sonya. Rose, it's hard for all of us, but you need to accept the truth, you need to be strong, Dimitri's not with us anymore."

I felt my face was getting more and more wet with tears, but my mind was like clockwork, it was analyzing the possibilities and the opportunities.

"What do you mean 'not with us'? Is he a Strigoi again? Then it's not a problem, I will find him, find and you will make him a Dhampir again. You can do it, right, Liss?" my eyes were shining with hope.

"No, Rose, I can't. I can't return him. He's dead, he was killed," Lissa's eyes filled up with tears. "There is no way to get him back, I'm sorry..."

"No, no, no!" I cried. "He can't be dead! He's Dimitri, he's the God, divine beings don't die, they live forever!"

"He will be," I heard Adrian's voice like from the other hemisphere. "He will be living forever right here," and he touched the space on my chest where the heart was situated. I raised my eyes on him and I looked at him just like for the first time. That wasn't the Adrian who wanted me as his girlfriend, that was the one who was a friend to me when I needed it the most.

"Will you revive him? Will you do it for me?" I looked at him, seeing the pain of the whole world in his eyes. I knew it wasn't fair to ask Adrian about it, but it was my only option. Lissa knocked me down when I asked her about the same thing after the attack on our school.

I saw Lissa slightly shaking her head in disapproval.

"I will do it for you, my little Dhampir, like always, anything for you. And now you need to rest."

I started to protest trying to convince them that there was no time for rest, we needed to go to Russia as soon as possible. But Lissa said that our flight is in three hours and that I have to rest. I had no choice but agree with them and bury myself into the blankets that smelled like Adrian.

I seemed to fall into a doze for a while and when I woke up, I heard voice in the living room.

"Are you really going to do that?" asked Lissa. "I thought you loved her and wanted her back."

"That's right, I love her. And it's the reason I'm doing it - to make her happy, to make her feel complete and safe. She obviously loves him more than anything in this life. It was stupid to even hope to get her back; she would've never been over him. And now, if there is a slight chance that she will be with whom she's meant to be then I'll do all in my power to make it true."

"I'm not sure it's in your power."

"You think I'm not good enough?" Adrian said ironically.

"I think you're overestimating yourself, it all may result in a failure, or more you may hurt yourself. It's not that easy and it's dangerous as you will have to accumulate a lot of Spirit energy to bring him back to life, and I'm not even sure it is possible after so much time left."

"All we have is hope, right, Liss? I cannot but try and hope that it will end well. I love her and even if I'm going to die for her, I'm ready for it."

I was lying in his bed, breathing in his scent and wondering was it all worth trying. I knew for sure that I wanted Dimitri back, but was it worth Adrian's life? I wanted him back badly, but was it worth Adrian's heart being broken once more? I wanted more than ever Dimitri to lie next to me, but was it worth all the pain I could cause to the people I love in order to be with him?

That was a very good thing to think about during a fifteen hour flight from the Court's airport to Moscow, Russia with a refueling stop in Paris, in the city of love, which seemed too cruel to be true. That there was another three and a half hour flight to Omsk and a five hour drive in a super-fast vehicle with a driver who wasn't going to think about speed limit.

But nevertheless it was too long. I was really starting to realize that our chances of success were constantly fading. The gaping hole in my chest was burning more and more and the warmth of Adrian's body, who was embracing for the whole 'trip', and waves of calming compulsion from Lissa weren't making it any good. I still was a shadow of a broken hero. My heart shattered. My world shattered.


	7. Chapter 7

7

It was almost unbelievable that during long hours of flying over the Atlantic the ghosts weren't coming to me asking about impossible things. Sure I was much stronger than I was after my first Strigoi, but in my current condition when I was on the verge of insanity, I wasn't that sure at first that I would be able to keep my walls up and the gates closed.

Obviously, I was that strong. Or, maybe, it was Dimitri. He has always been incredible, even when he was turned Strigoi, he won his way after a few months and after few more he became one of the most respected and deterrent evil creatures. I would've not been surprised if he would've already become the king of ghost telling them to leave me alone. It would've been my Dimitri.

The thought of what I was doing in the moment was almost insulting, because feeling safe in Adrian's hands wasn't fair to Dimitri. Whatever I was telling myself earlier about all this and no matter how I was trying to justify myself, it was still cheating. It was still mean.

When Adrian squeezed me a little to attract my attention it turned out that he had called me by name a few times already.

"We need to go out, there will be some technical stuff going on," he slightly smiled to me. I pushed a smile of my own trying to make it look as less fake as I could.

Another hour of idleness, another lost sixty minutes. I was ready to run to Russia on my own, but understood all the stupidity of it. Adrian, Lissa and Christian left to buy some coffee and a cup of hot chocolate for me, leaving me alone in the waiting space. That was surprising as I expected that they wouldn't let me out of their sight. I smiled to my freedom, but my smiled quickly faded as I didn't know what to do with it, so I was just staring in nowhere, regretting that Eddie stayed in the States. It would've been better if we were staring in the space together.

And then it suddenly dawned upon me. I needed to talk to Dimitri, and I was able to do it. I could push my guard down and open myself to the shadow world, thought it would be much harder to close those gates and push the ghost away.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Adrian running to me and heard him screaming my name. He had probably understood from my aura what I was going to do and he also understood that there was no guarantee that I would be able to rebuild my mental walls. In a different situation I would've paid attention to his attempts to keep me from doing another mistake. But this time it wasn't a mistake, it was the only way to feel that I had strength to fight.

"Dimitri!" I asked loudly, so a few people in the waiting room turned to look at me, thanks God there weren't a lot of them. "Dimitri!" I repeated advancing my left hand to show Adrian that it wouldn't be a good idea to come closer.

And he appeared in the middle of the crowd that contained only shadows. He was one of that shadows, but for me he was more than material. He slightly shook his head obviously not being happy with what I was doing. He looked me in the eyes with that look of his. Back at school he looked at me like that once, when he caught me and Jesse. Like if I was still a child. But he was wrong this time.

"I needed to see you, needed to tell you something. We will have time to talk in future, plenty of time, but now, I need you to know that I love you more than I love my own life," I was speaking in a calm voice, but tears were falling down my cheeks. "But..."

"There was always a 'but' in your life, Roza," my eyes flew open at the sound of his voice. Ghosts have never spoke to me so clearly, but why am I surprised, it was Dimitri, the master of impossibilities. "I knew that one day it will come to the surface. You love him and you will never succeed in trying to choose what you heart really wants."

"I know what I want!" I said with confidence. "I want you."

I really wanted him, but in the back of my head a not so tiny voice was taunting me. "Really, Rose? You want Dimitri? Or maybe you want the comfort of Adrian's hands? Or Dimitri with his strength of character and softness of his lips? What do you want; Rose?"

I tried to shut it up but failed. It was droning on and on about my men.

"No, Rose, you don't," Dimitri's voice turned me back to reality. "You want us both, at the same time. And if you can't choose, life does the choice for you. It's the law of nature, you can't argue with that, Rose."

"No, Dimitri, it's not fair! I can't lose you, can't lose you again!" I cried out loud drawing attention of people waiting for their flight.

"Yes, you can, and listen to me, Rose, I know what you asked Adrian and it's not going to work. Not because he's not good enough, but because I don't want to. I lived, you helped me to realize how important life was, you made me live a full life. And I did it, and it was wonderful, especially with you. But it's time for me to go."

"You're wrong! We have so much to do, so much to see, so many places to visit!" I was trying to calm myself down, unsuccessful though.

"No, you're wrong, because that is what you have to do, that is what you're going to see, and those are the places you've always wanted to visit. I can't live your life, love. And you do! I love you and you know that. And I know that you love me, it is enough to consider my life happy."

Translucent Dimitri smiled.

"But I'm not even sure I'm worth your love," I lowered my gaze. "We kissed, Adrian and me..."

I saw a hint of pain on his shadow face but it immediately changed to a forgiving smile full of love. I didn't deserve forgiveness.

"It doesn't matter anymore, but I have something I want you to think about during your trip to my family's home."

"What? I'll do anything, everything!" my eyes were shining with anticipation of future adventures ready to kill lots of Strigoi, make impossible possible and reach a hand to a star.

"There was a reason for me to go to Russia. Christian gave four days off to visit my family. It wasn't easy for me to leave him, you know what happened last time I had days off. But I agreed that that was the perfect time. It was hard to know that the distance between us was increasing. But I knew it was necessary."

I looked at him with surprise. Dimitri loved his family, but he accepted the idea of not seeing them because of work. So it was kind of strange, hearing that family visit was inevitable.

"I needed to tell them something and I also needed to find your father and I knew he was somewhere in Omsk. By the way I found him, and he gave me his permission."

"Permission for what?" I interrupted him.

"Permission for..."

He paused taking a breath. Why on earth he needed that?

And then he did even more surprising thing. He knelt in front of me.

"Rosemarie Hathaway would've you married me?" he said with a sad smile.

Those words made me froze and stop breathing, those words were scary and they were wonderful, but nevertheless deep inside I understood that the possibility of us getting married was extremely low.

But I knew the answer, I've already opened my mouth to say it, when Lissa's hands closed my eyes from behind and she pushed a wave of compulsion on me, repeating, "Walls, built up the walls, Rose, walls!"

And when she let me down there was no Dimitri in the waiting room and the rising tide of discontent and animal rage was ready to burst out. I felt the darkness tightening its embrace.

"What have you done? You have no idea! You ruined it, ruined everything!" I shouted at Lissa without thinking of the fact that she was not only my closest friend, but a royal Moroi, moreover - the Queen. And she seemed to forget that too.

"No, that's you who don't understand how dangerous it is to be so unprotected from the shadow world. Don't you think it will be happy to finally have you after two failed attempts?" she shouted in response.

"So let it be as it's the opportunity to be with him!"

"It is not! And you well aware that I had no choice, I made the only decision I could make - I saved the closest person I've ever had, that is you who I can't lose!" Lissa's eyes were full of tears. "You are my best friend, Rose, you are my sister!"

That somehow made me calm down. I looked at Lissa's terrified face, turned to look at Adrian's - pained, worried, but full of love, faced Christian's derisive as usual, but nevertheless understanding look and I got it. They were my family, as well as Dimitri, and they will do everything for me. And I understood that whatever happens in the future whatever happens to my life it didn't matter because I had to survive the pain and live for them, live to protect them.

"Let's go, my little Dhampir," Adrian put his hand around my limp body giving me the feeling of confidence. "I promise you, we will try!"

And to my own surprise I gave him a smack on the cheek, making him blush a little.


	8. Chapter 8

8

I had mixed emotions about the drive to Dimitri's home in the suburbs of Omsk. I felt weak and broken of understanding the reason of me going there, I also felt ready to fight and defend what was left. And in the corner of my soul I missed Sidney. A lot. I was trying to imagine what it would've been like to have her in the car with us. Would've we felt tension because of the entire break up situation? Or would've we been relieved because of her permanent unruffled calm which made everyone feel like there was nothing special happening. I was wondering if she would be at Dimitri's funeral, she was a friend and, despite her negative attitude towards Dhampirs and Moroi, she told us once that Dimitri and I had a special place in her heart. But that was before me being shot and before her troubles with the Alchemists' bosses because of me, most of all it was before Adrian.

And like always, Adrian was there, next to me, driving this fast, but not that kind of fast I'd wanted, car. His right hand was slightly squeezing mine from time to time. Through his touch and using his new ability that he still couldn't easily control I felt how scared he was to let me down and how strong he felt at the same time, knowing that I needed him and needed his support. And I smiled when he took a quick look at me for the thousandth time.

For the first time since I've learned the news it wasn't a fake one that I tried to put on for them to leave me alone. It was a sincere and warm smile that was just for him. I felt his hand squeezing mine once more and saw him blushing a little. He was more than happy with this tiny display of emotions from me.

Although that smile faded pretty quickly, provoking a new enormous wave of guilt flowing against me. I don't deserve being happy, I'm an awful person who thinks only about herself. Selfish. Egoistic. Disgusting. I hated the thought of me being happy but couldn't help feeling a little less vulnerable. Deep inside my inner voice was trying to calm me down.

"You shouldn't reproach yourself. He forgave you; he loves you no matter what. And he knows how you feel about Adrian. He knows and accepts it, because he loves you for who you are, for simply being Rose. And you know it is enough, it was enough for you. It has always been enough no matter who you were giving your love to in the moment."

I looked at Adrian when he was occupied with the road and saw that his expression was different from the one he had looking at me. He was frowning, lips pressed up.

"Adrian," I murmured as Lissa and Christian were sleeping in the backseat. "What's wrong?"

He muttered obviously not wanting me to notice, but knowing that right know it was especially important to be honest with me, finally decided to let me win.

"He's here," he said in discontented voice. I stared at his profile.

"Dimitri?" I asked with too much hope that it should've been. Adrian reacted immediately with a pained expression. He was really the best: though the thought of me being with Dimitri was hurting, though the perspective of living the rest of his life being bonded to the man who took his love was terrifying he was ready to face it, face the possible consequences of his choice to make what I asked. But that wasn't the point right now, I felt obsessed with the idea of Dimitri following us, maybe event guarding like he was meant to. "How do you know? You can't see ghosts! Or do you?"

"No," he answered reluctantly. "I just see your aura. It is shining with red anytime he's near you, obviously without you knowing that or not. And don't even think about that," he warned, understanding that I could decide to see Dimitri again. "But I could've made something for you though we would have to slow down a little, I can't concentrate both on the road and on the Spirit."

"We need to ride as fast as possible!"

"Listen first, Rose. If you fall asleep, I can put you in a Spirit dream, and considering ghosts as something connected with the Spirit, there is a possibility, that if you call him, he might come. I can't give you any guarantees, but it's still a pretty good try," he smiled, but his eyes stayed sad.

I wanted that, and wanted badly, but remembering that Dimitri died fighting for his family, I realized that he had obviously just lost control over the situation when Strigoi caught Sonya, his little sister. And I knew that I was nowhere near his level of concentration when it comes to my friends and family. I couldn't let myself relax, couldn't put Lissa, Christian and Adrian in such a danger. Though I knew that if it goes to a good fight Christian would be by my side, fighting with me, setting those Strigoi on fire. We would be a great team, like old times. But nevertheless, in reality I was better than this fragile little girl craving for her dead boyfriend (or should I call him fiancé?) to be back alive. I was stronger and I couldn't let down those who believe in me.

"No," I finally said. "I don't need it; he's got nothing new to tell me. Maybe later, but I'm not so sure he will come. He was pretty clear in expressing his attitude to my attempt to meet him. I shouldn't be surprised, it's Dimitri."

"Can I ask you a question?" Adrian turned his head to me. I nodded in agreement. "What were you talking about? In the end you looked really shocked."

Was it a good idea to tell him as it would certainly hurt him? Nope. But Adrian began this honesty evening, so I think it wouldn't be fair to lie.

"At first he was frustrated of me putting myself in such a danger by opening myself to the shadow world. And in the end he... proposed," I looked at Adrian waiting for further mood worsening, but he just chuckled.

"Clever bastard! He would've probably told you to live your life and that it was his time to go, right?"

"Right," I said in a high, strangled voice. "Uuuum?"

"He's playing dirty, but I'm not going to follow him, and will step aside," he was mumbling like he didn't really notice me saying anything. "I will do all in my power to make him alive, and only then we'll have that game. And that's the question who's going to win it."

He glanced at me.

"Who's going to win you!"

It was weird. The thought of Dimitri having some plan to keep me from Adrian was ridiculous. He would've never done something like that. But the thought of Adrian having an intention to fight for me was making my heart-rate higher.

Maybe Dimitri was right, I would never be able to choose, because right now I really wanted the both. And knowing that Dimitri wouldn't probably touch me and kiss like he does ever again and we wouldn't fight back-to-back against our enemies. We would never see each other excitement about the number of Strigoi killed. I would never ever see the unbearable love in his eyes, when he was lying with me in my bed. I would never feel the sparkles of his presence in immediate proximity to me. I would never see his smile, never hear his laugh. I would never ever hear the sound of his whisper in my ear when he wanted to tell me something incredibly and unbelievably cute for such a person. I would never feel the warmth of his body and the heat of his touch.

I was wondering what would happen if Dimitri become alive again. Would it like old times? Would he remember being dead? Would he remember proposing to me? I had no idea.

I was also wondering what it would be like if we don't revive him. Would I be able to do anything? Or would I be beside myself with rage? Would I crave for revenge? Or would I be only able to hardly put myself together and let it go? Or maybe both? I had no idea.

The only thing that I knew was that in the moment Dimitri wasn't there with me, he let me down getting himself killed, and he wasn't here when I needed him so much. But Adrian did. Sure, it wasn't Dimitri's fault and Adrian's merit, but among them two Adrian was the one by my side, keeping me from getting all insane from the pain burning inside of me. He was my anchor keeping my consciousness from floating away the ocean of estrangement.

He was my Saviour in this difficult time. He was my Saviour in this cruel world.


	9. Chapter 9

9

"I need a minute," I said when we finally got to Dimitri's house. I was looking at this peaceful retreat with a feeling that all this was just a dream. As only in a bad dream he could be killed by a Strigoi and lie down in a coffin in this small house waiting for me to face the truth. I still couldn't realize that he wasn't with me anymore. Moreover I couldn't even imagine how hard it was for his family. I was close to go off into hysterics and wasn't sure that I would be able to be that anchor for them as Adrian was for me. I was also scared of facing Yeva, she was Dimitri's strict grandmother and last time we met she didn't actually like me. I was broken then, I wanted to find Dimitri, was ready to kill him and save his soul from the Strigoi curse. And while I was looking for him, I softened when I found myself being a part of the family. It was hard to leave them, hard to find the incentive to move and continue my dangerous journey, the aim of which was find and destroy the love of my life. And it was Yeva who offered that incentive. She pushed me just as I needed, telling that she couldn't believe that the girl her grandson was in love with, the girl that her grandson worshiped as a god was such a craven.

And like then I pulled myself together and made what I had to do. I knocked on the door and waited for someone to open it. It was Olena, Dimitri's mother. Though her eyes were red from tears, they lightened when she saw me. I supposed to be the one to pull them out from the abyss of misery and grief.

"Roza!" she cried and the sound of my name in Russian almost broke my spirit, but the urge to be strong like Dimitri and be the person to rely on was great so I clenched my teeth and made myself give Olena a warm smile. "We were waiting for you, Sonya could find no peace, she wanted to talk to you."

"I'm right here now and things will sort out. I will make anything to make it easier for you," my eyes filled with tears and I frowned of this display of weakness. But feeling the support of my friends behind my back made me stronger than I'd ever be alone.

We entered the house and everything there was telling what a difficult time it was. It was dark, every piece of it covered with black cloth, all mirrors were draped and even the sunshine that was coming through numerous windows wasn't making it lighter. Being here was harder than I've ever imagined, making all the memories of my last visit rush into my mind. I had that strange déjà vu feeling. Only this time Dimitri really was dead.

"Roza," I heard Sonya's voice from across the room. God, it was going to be hard when everyone here was calling me that Russian version of my name that only Dimitri had used in the past. "I'm so glad you're finally here. Can we have a little tête-à-tête talk? Please..."

I glanced back at my friends to check if they were okay with me leaving them alone as they knew no one here. Olena touched my shoulder and said in a calm motherly voice,

"It's going to be fine. I'll take care of your friends, don't worry. Go, you need this talk."

And she was right, so I agreed. Moreover I was sure that they will be okay, as in this house everybody were equal and every guest got the same warm welcome. Though Olena didn't know that one of my friends was Vasilissa Dragomir, the Queen, another one was Christian Ozera, the child of two royal Moroi who voluntarily turned themselves into Strigoi, and there was also Adrian, who was the one who I left for Dimitri. Wonderful company. It wasn't fair for both my friends and Belikovs to leave them without introduction and explaining, especially when it comes to Adrian, but I knew that they all were wonderful people and was sure they would get along well.

Sonya led me to her room, where I saw not only her bed but also another smaller one for her child. I smiled, remembering her being pregnant. It was so long ago, like in a different lifetime.

"I know, you have questions about how this kind of thing could happen, and really I don't have the answer for this one," she said strait away. "And you probably mad at me for getting him killed, as it was me who made Dimitri distract from the fight."

"What?" I exclaimed. "Do you really think I can be mad at you? Sonya, are you crazy? It was no one's fault, that you got caught by a Strigoi. And Dimitri just did what he had to do, he saved your life. He would've done it even if they caught some stranger. That is how he was, our Dimitri."

Sonya smiled, obviously remembering him, and so did I.

"Indeed the reason I wanted to talk to you wasn't to tell you how much guilt I feel. I wanted to tell you about the Strigoi who killed him. He ran away afterwards, but I remember his face, it is burned in my memory. And I remember what he said Dimitri before killing him. He said 'This is for Galina, Belikov, you should've never let that little blood whore live'."

I felt the anger starting to fill me up inside. I was overwhelmed by sorrow and grief, stifled by rage, and burning with the thirst for revenge. I was ready to go and kill every damn Strigoi in Siberia and not only kill them, but make them suffer for killing Dimitri, for what they made him do with me when he was Strigoi himself, what they did to his family, and mostly for what they made me come through. I wasn't anywhere close to accept Dimitri's death, he was my sunshine, my Comrade, and now he was gone. I needed my revenge, a bloody massacre that I was going to commit. That was my way to cope with pain. A strange, cruel and dangerous way, the way that pushed me closer to the insanity.

"I will find him, I promise you," I finally forced myself to speak. "I will find him and he will regret that he killed him, if that bastard wanted us both dead for destroying some Strigoi clan, he should've started with me, Dimitri had never been so inventive when it comes to torturing. I will make that Strigoi regret being born in the first place!"

Sonya was shocked, she obviously wasn't expecting such a reaction from me, but I saw in her eyes, that deep inside she was ready to put her signature to every word of me.

"Is Yeva home?" I asked calming down a little. "I wanted to talk to her too."

"She's in her room, Roza, I think she will be happy to see you, as much as everyone can be happy now," she said with a sad smile on her face.

While I was going to Yeva's room I was thinking about how and when Adrian and I should try to revive Dimitri, I haven't seen a coffin, though I knew it was somewhere here. I didn't actually know it, but my sixth sense told me it wasn't far away. Or maybe it was Shadow World calling for me, ready to embrace me.

Yeva didn't changed a bit from the last time I saw her. She was the same old lady with a nasty temper and sharp tongue. She smiled me and gestured to sit. I gave her a long examining look, but took the offer.

"How are you, Yeva?" I asked not really waiting for an answer.

"Not that bad for an old woman whose beloved grandson just died," sarcasm all over the phrase. "What's about you, Rose?"

"Not that bad for the girl who just lost her boyfriend who proposed being ghost," I rolled my eyes.

"So he did it," she concluded. "What did you answer?"

"Nothing, Lissa forced me to cut the connection," I still felt offended. "I wanted to say yes, and I meant it as I'm going to revive him, Adrian promised to try the same thing with him that Lissa did to me after the car crash."

"Idiot!" Yeva exclaimed.

"What?"

"Only a complete idiot would've tried to revive somebody who had been dead for more than twenty four hours," she was speaking like I was a five year old and she explained me why I shouldn't play around with matches.

"Why's that?" I asked.

"He's too connected to the Shadow World, too much. It has already taken him, Dimitri's no more a creature from this world, now he belongs to Shadows."

"But I have to try, I can't leave things like that, I can't leave him! We're meant together, we can't be apart," I cried.

"It doesn't matter anymore, darling," she touched my hand and I was surprised how warm and soft it was, the hand of a Granny. I've never had one, so it was weird to feel that there's always someone, who will support you, help to make a tough decision and explain where is right and where is wrong, if you get confused somewhere in the midway. "You need to let him go, need to move on."

"I can't, can't even think about this. He's my fiancé, the love of my life. I can't betray him like that. I love Dimitri and I want him so much, I cannot bear to give him up."

"Giving him up doesn't mean to forget or betray, it doesn't mean you must stop thinking of him or talking about him, and it definitely doesn't mean you should pretend that nothing have happened. Giving him up means realize that he's gone and in the better place, or will be in that place pretty soon. It means to realize the changes in your life and to adapt to the new situation. It means you should accept the pain and let it creep over you as without feeling the pain, there's no relief in the end. If you push it deeper inside you will never get rid of it, Rose. One day, all the pain will be replaced by warm memories and you'll feel better, I promise."

I was listening to the old woman with attention and respect, understanding that she was right, that I just should let him go as until he was tied to me by my desire to have him back, to return him, Dimitri wouldn't be able to move on to the next level of dying. And he needed to make that step. He was ready to move on. But I wasn't. I wasn't going to give up so quickly. I was Rose Hathaway and I've always been able to do impossible. This time I wasn't so sure in the happy ending, but at least I could try. I had to try.

"I know you're right Yeva, and I will let him go, but not until I try to bring him back. I'm just not ready now," I said feeling like a child who ate all the candies when his mother told him not to. Dimitri told that he had such feeling pretty often after a talk with Yeva. "I'm sorry, but I need to try."

To my surprise Yeva smiled.

"I'm glad you decided to fight for a little bit more, this is how you need to be. I know that when you will be out of options you will make a right thing and set him free, but now, you need to fight. And I'll be by your side, never forget that!"

Remembering all the times when I felt inspired - when Dimitri kissed me for the first time, when I saved Lissa from Victor, when me and Adrian had that one night together when we were closer than ever before, when Dimitri finally accepted his love for me after Lissa restored him, when Adrian showed me his emotions for the first time - I understood that this time it was the same, though it wasn't connected with my love to Adrian or Dimitri or even Lissa, it was the understanding that the most wise person I knew was giving me her support. It was priceless. I felt like I could do anything:


	10. Chapter 10

10

After the dinner and long talks and histories about our adventures that children were begging us to tell, everyone dispersed in different directions. Lissa asked me to switch rooms with Christian, so they could spend the night together as she wasn't sure I wanted to be left alone with Adrian, especially in Dimitri's home. She was right I didn't want to, feeling like I was betraying him once more, though Lissa also had a hard time, not to mention Christian. He and Dimitri became close friends, always ready to stand for each other. And though they weren't such a good team in a fight as Christian and me, they had some pretty successful encounters with Strigoi. I understood that they needed each other and it was my duty to protect Lissa and now, when Dimitri was gone, Christian too, and to ensure her mental safety. So I had no choice but agree, they come first, remember?

Staying one on one with Adrian in a confined space was unbearable, I could hardly breathe and though I knew, that he almost slept, I could fall asleep myself. With my sensitive hearing I knew that Lissa and Christian were talking in low voices about me... I knew than even if they were criticizing me and my intention to bring Dimitri back, and they were, I wasn't going to listen though my curiosity begged me to. That was too much for me to handle, I needed to breathe, needed to start thinking clearly and it wasn't going to happen in this small room with Adrian so close and a couple behind the wall.

I took a quick look at my suitcase and put on the dress I saw the first.

"Damn it!" I muttered as it was one of Adrian's favorite; at first I even wanted to change but decided out of it wanting badly to be as far from this room as possible.

It was a wonderful night, the sky was studded with stars and the air smelt of river, I could even hear chirring here and there. It was a long time ago when I lived on human schedule since sunshine did Moroi no good as well as Strigoi, and that's why it was the safest time to rest in order to be able to be bright, cheerful and ready to defend at sunset.

I was sitting on the porch and thinking about tomorrow. It was going to be a very hard day as it was the day of the funeral. And seemed hundred times harder considering the fact that it was going to be the second time when I buried Dimitri, only last time he was alive, or more exactly undead, and killed people when I mourned him before the eyes of his family. Tomorrow his funeral was going to be real, the thought of it made me shiver, or there might be no funeral at all, if Adrian succeeds. I crossed my fingers for a chance.

The night was beautiful and the thought of the sun that would shine in the morning it was getting even better. I wanted to share my excitement with somebody though in the same time I didn't want to be disturbed. I had never before enjoyed being alone, before this night I had always suffered when everyone left me, started to analyze myself or try to find the reason of them leaving, find the worst parts of me. They weren't hard to find, there were plenty of them, but none was good enough for the reason of my friends making me stay one on one with myself. Even when I was in jail being under suspicion of killing Queen Tatiana, Adrian's aunt, he believed in me, in my innocence (in this particular case) and never left me, it was hard for him, but he stayed loyal to me. That's what love makes to people, right?

But this time it was different, me being alone was like a breath of fresh air, an opportunity to clear my thoughts and sort them out. Sitting there, I felt relieved and was easy at my mind. It was the best time to talk to Dimitri for the second time, hopefully not the last one. I let my mental guard down and the ghosts started rushing into me.

Only this night and thins place made me stronger, I was thinking clearly, and I did it like that only once before - when Mason helped us find the den of the Strigoi. I didn't have to shout at them, I just raised my head and said in a low, calm but steady voice, "Stop!"

And they froze. Looking at one another they were trying to understand what made so powerful.

"I need only one of you, the rest can leave!" I said with the same confidence.

And at once the back yard that was full of ghosts cleared, leaving me alone with Dimitri, flickering in the moonlight.

"You wanted to talk? I came," he said coming closer.

I was surprised a little that he wasn't mad at me, but showed no hint of it. Instead, I said straight away,

"Yes, I wanted you to know the answer."

"I already know it," he said with a smile.

"It's so obvious, right? I would've said yes, even if you offered me that at our first training," my smile was full of love. "It was never easy to be with you, the universe always found something to separate us, but in the end... we have won."

"Not such a good victory, considering that I'm dead," he chuckled. I wanted to punch him, but he was a ghost, no flesh - no effect. That made me regain consciousness and realize all the complication of this situation.

"Hopefully it won't last long," I told him, hoping to see excitement, but saw only sadness.

"It's not going to happen, Roza," a hint of pain flashed through my whole body at the sound of my name, his said it so intimately that I was close to losing control. "I'm not coming back."

"Why? I want you back so bad, you can't leave me alone, can't make me face the reality where there are no you, it's not fair!" I cried.

"I'm already doing it. And this doesn't mean I don't love you, I do, and this love is overwhelming, it makes me the strongest here, but it's just too late, don't you understand? Why do you think Lissa refused to do it?"

"I've never asked her!"

"But you know that she would've said 'no'."

"Adrian agreed," I was stubborn.

"He loves you, he can't say 'no'! And by the way how do you think this will affect Adrian? Is he that powerful? Is Spirit going to ignore such a huge amount of magic used? Do you really think he can handle it?"

"He's very strong, a superhero!" I said with pride and affection that was impossible to hide.

"And what if he did it and I am back, what will happen to him? How soon do you think Spirit will take control over him?"

I wasn't thinking about it, I was so preoccupied with my own feelings, worries and wishes that I totally forgot about how Adrian must have thought of the whole situation. Dimitri was right. An attempt to revive him for me is akit to suicide attempt. I glanced at Dimitri and he caught my gaze. We were sitting there and I was trying to make myself say those awful words.

"If I let you go, will you be happy out there?"

"I don't know, Roza," he said smiling a little, "but you will, just not with me. You have to accept that you feelings for Adrian are strong."

"I... I can't love him like I love you," I mumbled. "He's different, but he's amazing..."

It was so weird to discuss Adrian with Dimitri, but there was no guilt anymore. I knew Dimitri was right and I had to accept that.

"I still have something to do, right?" I asked and saw him nod. "Our last fight."

"Yes, Roza, but not now, tonight, but not now," he said seriously, "wait a little."

And he was gone, leaving me alone. I wondered when the time for revenge would come, when a rain drop fell on the tip of my nose making me giggle.

"You're going to get soaked to the skin," I gave a start of Adrian's voice. "I couldn't sleep when you were gone," he said apologetically.

"But you need to rest, it was a long day," I smiled him. "And you will have to do it without me, I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?" he was confused.

"I have something to do, alone, and you will have to stay here and cover for me if I won't be back in time for the funeral," I explained. "Promise?"

He hesitated a minute but finally nodded in agreement.

We didn't need to talk anymore sitting on the porch of Dimitri's house. He was close, very close and it felt so right being like this with him. I leaned closer to him rested my head on his shoulder. It was an ideal moment and no one wanted to disturb it, but we both knew it wasn't going to last forever.

"Tomorrow's a big day?" he whispered.

"No big day, Adrian," I felt exhausted. "Just funeral, last opportunity to say Dimitri goodbye. And afterwards I will need you to be with me, I'm pretty sure I'll be a mess."

"I will always be there for you, my little Dhampir."

I felt like the world worshiped me. I turned his head so that we faced each other, for a couple of seconds stared in his green eyes and then kissed him. It was the first time since we met again when I kissed him with no purpose, just because my feelings told me too. It was time, I understood that immediately.

"Now, go!" I said quietly. Without any objections he stood up and kissed me goodbye on the forehead. He almost closed the entrance door, when I felt the urge to say one more thing.

"I love you."


	11. Chapter 11

11

I've never felt so confident in my entire life. I was driving at a speed of hundred and twenty miles per hour and was closer and closer to the destination. Dimitri explained how to reach the spot where those Strigoi lived, or I should better say existed, as they weren't alive, but undead.

It was dark but my Dhampir eyesight detected every change on the road. While driving I couldn't help but think about how successful this trip would be for me and was there any chance for me to stay alive. My mind told me that it was a suicide mission, but my heart was sure that with Dimitri by my side I could've managed to do impossible once more.

I missed that feeling of adventures coming, the anticipation of a good fight. I was a warrior by nature; I needed those victories and defeats to live, without them I was just another individual without any differential characteristics. Being surrounded by such quaint character like Lissa, who was not only one of the youngest Queens of all times but a Spirit user known for the incredible Strigoi-back-to-Dhampir transformation, like Christian, who was not only the child of two royal Moroi who decided to give up their souls to be immortal evil Strigoi but also for being an outstanding user of Fire magic known for his radical ideas about Moroi fighting against Strigoi and for killing quite a great amount of them during the attack on our Academy, and Dimitri, my mentor, my lover, my best partner, he was the super well-known Guardians of our world, the one with a reputation of a 'god' as he was one of the most skilled and 'badass' guardians around. Oh, God, I loved him so much! And how could I forget about Adrian? He wasn't an ordinary person either being an incredible Spirit user whose abilities weren't still clear even for himself as he was constantly opening up the new ones and strengthening the ones he had already had. And I wasn't that kind of cool, I was a fighter, a daughter of a fighter and a rebel, and that who I was, and I was the best in this. When I was 17 I got my first two molnija marks before even getting a promise one, and a few weeks later a got a zvezda mark before turning eighteen too. I killed more Strigoi before coming of age than most of Guardians could've imagined. Was I an outstanding personality? Sure! I was that Guardian whose name would go down in history, about who novice guardians would be reading in books and like who they would wish to become.

Looking back at my life I understood that it was a constant fight. Fight for my mother's attention, for being Lissa's guardian, for being accepted by the society after all the stupid things I did, which weren't really stupid, but it did not matter. With Dimitri at first it was a fight with our feeling, than with understanding that we loved each other, after that it was a fight with each other, at least I'd love to think so as most of the time I just tried to resist the temptation of spending the eternity with him.

And with Adrian most of the time there was no fight, I surrendered and he took me without striking a blow. Adrian wasn't the one who wanted fighting, though if it had been necessary he would've moved mountains to get what he wanted.

But this time it wasn't about him or anyone else except me. And maybe Dimitri.

I stopped the car in front of a huge mansion behind a huge fence. I've already been here, ironically that was the place where I spent a lot of time being drugged by Dimitri's fangs. Seriously, what was that? Why was I here again? Was it some sick fantasy of the Creator? Or another challenge of the Devil? And though I was mad at both of them for putting me here, I had no choice but shut my eyes to all that happened with me here.

"Dimitri," I called quietly, knowing he was somewhere close. And he came. Like always, the best back-up I could've wished for.

We climbed over the fence, well I did, for Dimitri there were no complications to get inside. The labyrinth was there, but this time I had someone to help me find the way out of it pretty quickly. When we were at the front door Dimitri asked me to stop.

"You need all of us," he said and I couldn't disagree. He was right like most of the time, and this time no pride was standing in the way of the common sense. Mentally I called all the ghosts and was surprised that this time they stayed silent making me feel stronger with their backup while usually I mostly felt exhausted after the contact with them.

Standing at the front door I glanced at Dimitri for the last time before opening the door which wasn't closed. He was all tense as much as a ghost could be that way. Dimitri was ready for a fight, he had that Guardian look on his face and for a moment I felt sorry for everyone who would stand in his way.

It was time. I kicked the door with all the power I could find in myself and the only obstacle that kept me from my vendetta was broken. I rushed into the house with my huge army of immaterial warriors. I couldn't remember what I did and how I did it, all the dead Strigoi merged into one bloody medley. I was fast and strong, my muscled worked like never before, and I really felt invincible with all the ghost that distracted Strigoi from me, making it easier to stake them.

I felt rage and a real desire to find their bastard boss and kill him. I knew that I would be able to this, even without a strong backup. I was going to be my fight, my revenge for killing Dimitri. That son of bitch should've thought beforehand, I was wondering if he had any idea who he mixed up with. And the thought of him starting to understand this right now made me smile and that smile made my enemies even angrier.

There were a lot of Strigoi, but that wasn't enough to confuse me and make me panic. They all were just another step to my final goal - killing their leader, the one that killed Dimitri. In every fiber of my being I felt that only his death, the death of that bastard, would calm me down and let me accept the tragedy of losing the one I loved for so long.

With the help of ghosts it wasn't hard to get rid of every Strigoi standing in my way, I don't think it took long to destroy them all and adrenalin made me not feel even a little tired. When I was standing behind the last door I had to open I hesitated a little.

I thought about Lissa and the fact that if I die I would leave her absolutely unprotected. I thought about Christian who was like a brother to me and that he couldn't lose me too after losing Dimitri. And I thought about Adrian, about the hope I gave him, about love, and passion, and all the emotions he had an opportunity to experience with me and I also thought about what I would've felt in the moment if I was him.

I broke in furiously and saw the figure in the armchair. He wasn't moving and it confused me but I couldn't let myself relax even a little, I was alarm and ready to cut his head off.

"Well, well, well," he said still not moving, "who's here! It's an honor to have you here, Rosemarie. I see why Dimitri was so obsessed with you. You're absolutely gorgeous and that fire in your eyes..." he closed his eyes and smacked his lips, "it makes you even more delicious-looking. I would love to drain you. I bet your blood is nothing like any other. I understand why that traitor wanted to awaken you; you would be a wonderful decoration of his own greatness."

He broke into a smile and I had to gather the remains of my self-control not to kill him in the moment. Instead I leaned to him, my face right in front of his.

"Don't you dare say one more word about Dimitri, he was that kind of people who was an unachievable ideal of everything ever existed and you have no right to even think about him," my eyes were full of hatred and scorn. "And I myself came here to clear one thing."

"What is it, darling?" he asked in such a voice that made my teeth clench but I had to stay in control.

"First of all I'm not a darling for you, and second of all I came here to tell you that killing Dimitri was the greatest mistake in your entire existence."

"Why's that?" he laughed. "I don't think so!"

"Oh, you're so mistaken right now;" I laughed. "You should've killed me first," I whispered.

And in the next moment I thrust my stake into his heart and even his Strigoi reaction and speed didn't help him. I was looking at his absolutely dead face for almost a minute thinking about the fact that me killing him was a controversial revenge. On the one hand I killed him and he didn't want to be dead, he wanted to bring death and destruction, but on the other hand I freed his soul, I made a gesture of goodwill for someone I hated more than anyone. It was too easy, too noble for him.

And that was the moment when the darkness that I could control earlier took control over me. I hardly remember staking him again and again, I couldn't even see the dead Strigoi in front of me because of tears. I was a total mess and all I remembered was that Dimitri was there in the room looking at me. But it didn't matter in the moment what it looked like as I knew that he couldn't be angry or disappointed of me, because he would've been the same if he was me in the moment.

I couldn't remember how I got the car and how I drove back to Dimitri's house. I couldn't think of the funeral, of the loss, of his family. The pain inside of me was overwhelming and let it out like Yeva told me. But it wasn't any easier or better, there was no relief, no escape from the emptiness inside of me.

"Roza, I will love you till the end of time, and even after that," I heard Dimitri's voice from behind the mist of insanity that covered me. "Now, I have to go, you don't need me here, you will have to learn to live without me, you will have to open your heart to Adrian, promise me!"

I tried to concentrate on his image, but he was fading. "I can't, can't love anyone beside you, it is a betrayal," I cried.

"No," his voice was severe. "You will betray me if you are miserable and broken as it's not Roza I love, it's just a shadow of a strong and magnificent her. Don't you understand? Do you promise, Rose!"

I watched Dimitri's ghost hardly flickering in the setting sun. "I do," my voice was barely a whisper, but it was enough for him. Dimitri reached his hand to my face and I almost felt his touch. Then with a warm smile he disappeared.

I didn't actually remember how I managed not to crash the car but I somehow parked next to the church where the people had already gathered for the funeral. I heard the priest was already speaking, and as if in a dream I got out of the car and headed for the entrance to the church.

Was I still allowed to be here, was I still welcomed? It was hard to imagine that Dimitri's family would appreciate my actions, but they had no right to condemn me as it was the only possible way to break free from this weight at my heart and a feeling of impending danger, which was more terrible because I was unable to define it and explain where it came from.

I took a deep breath and pushed the door open. When I did that, all the people there glanced at me with a mix of fear and disgust until the recognition that it was me came to them, I noticed that some of them clamped hand to their mouths understanding that they couldn't scream. I couldn't blame them for that.

"This is for Dimitri; the bastard responsible for such a wonderful person leaving us all is now dead!" I said putting the bleeding head of a dead Strigoi on a coffin top.

I turned and looked for Adrian, who was already walking toward me. "I made it," I whispered, looking up to see his face but my eyes were filmed over with tears. "I killed them all, every Strigoi in that damn mansion, they're all dead."

Adrian put his arms round me, holding me to his body, murmuring that now it's over and that I'm safe, pressing his lips against my hair from time to time.

"He's going to be okay, Rose," he murmured. "He's free now, you helped his soul to find peace and finally where it is meant to be after death of his body..."

Those words were the last thing I heard before I fainted as someone had cut my strength. I was relieved, I made everything possible and even more to make Dimitri happier in the afterlife. And though right now I couldn't keep his promise I knew that someday I will be able to let the love for Adrian fill me again and right now I pushed in back like five years ago.

All became dark.


	12. Chapter 12

12

Adrian had never been a good boy, since the beginning of time he was getting everything he wanted. Being one of those rich spoiled children of royal Moroi and the Queen's favorite nephew he got used to do everything he'd taken into his head. It was like that since he was a child and was meant to stay like that until the very death of him, but something happened. Rose Hathaway happened.

When he saw her in that snowy hotel for the first time he immediately started to want her. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met in his entire life, even despite a huge bruise on her cheekbone. She was all glowing with force and self-confidence though he saw lots of black spots in her aura that was going to absorb the girl.

From their first meeting he felt like a lion on the chase, he needed her, and there was no way to escape her deadly look. He just couldn't put her out of his head. But unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, she wasn't a prey.

She said him 'no'. For the first time a girl refused his offer, and Adrian Ivashkov wasn't used to such an attitude. Some would've backed off, but it wasn't in his nature to give up, and he especially wasn't going to give up on her. Adrian wanted Rose Hathaway and was drawn to her like a butterfly to the fire.

And she was a fire, murderous and tempting. He had heard of her before - a rebellious novice, daughter of Janine Hathaway and Princess Dragomir's best friend and potential Guardian. She was a challenge and he accepted, believing that no girl could escape his charm and his seducing skill. Though he didn't know that she wasn't going pay attention on him and his desires, but when he saw how her aura flashed when that Belikov guy came on the scene Adrian understood that her heart was taken, and it was the moment when for the first time in his life he started wanting not only girl's marvelous body, but her soul, he wanted her heart to belong him.

Since that night when he visited her dream and pissed her off, he knew that in the chase he was earlier imagining himself being a predator, he was just a victim of Rose Hathaway's never stopping hell of a life. She was always fighting for something, no matter was it a battle with Strigoi for living or her classmates for being treated as a personality and as a blood whore they were claiming she was.

Adrian didn't like those rumors, he hated the thought of Rose being hurt, and though he knew she didn't need his help or his protection he couldn't help but think about defending her reputation. Moreover he hated himself for the daydreams he had of her, maybe Adrian didn't want anyone call Rose a blood whore just because he wanted to taste her blood himself? Because he wanted it to be their secret, their private act of love and he would've never revealed the fact of her giving him her blood if it was real, and not just because he wanted to protect her, but because it would've been like showing everyone their sex tape.

Thank goodness there was Vasilissa, Rose's best friend, who had something to make his mind occupied. He'd never known there was someone like him, he'd never thought of himself as a dullard, though he couldn't help but wonder why he had no specialization at all. And Vasilissa had the answer, he had a specialization, and it was Spirit that gave Adrian the power to walk into other people's dreams.

It was nice to finally have someone who understood him and with whom he could share his feelings. Though she disapproved his drinking and smoking habits Vasilissa didn't blame him as she felt the same darkness inside and understood that for him it was the only way to deal with the consequences of Spirit using. She had Rose bonded to he, who took most of the darkness away and he felt jealous of this kind bonding.

Adrian wished deep inside that he also had someone to make it easier, and he would've been the happiest man alive if it was Rose. He couldn't help but smile at the thought of what would've Russian felt if Adrian was the one whose feelings Rose would've felt. It was clear for him that since that night in her dream he was stuck with her, not willing to break free. And he didn't actually want to.

When Rose was kidnapped with those morons, Adrian's heart was ready to explode; he himself was ready to use all his Spirit powers to find her, to save her life, even by the sacrifice of his own. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Rose without actually having a chance to win he heart; he couldn't lose her when she wasn't even his yet.

Every second he was checking up on her if she was asleep to tell him when Strigoi kept her. He didn't give a damn on her crappy friends who got her involved in their Strigoi search and kill game. Did they seriously think that they were able to do that all by themselves? They had no idea how scary Strigoi were, how strong and fast they were. They were sure that they would handle the situation, find a bunch of Strigoi and successfully kill them. Arrogant idiots!

And when she came to him to ask for money, he could help but wonder what he did to be cursed this way. He couldn't say 'no', he was ready to do everything she asked for. Ever if she said to cut his heart out he would've done that without thinking. Love's really a bitch.

Since that first time in the mountains, for the last six years it was all about her. Every second since they broke off he missed her though for the first time even love faded because of all the hatred and offend. Adrian wanted her back like nothing else in this world, but his pride was rejecting the idea of even thinking about that. So he pushed himself in those relationships with Sidney, knowing from the very beginning that there was no future hem. He had no future with anyone until Rose was the only woman he could love and imagine himself with.

Those weren't the feelings that could be easily withdrawn.

He still had a connection with her, still was trying to get as close as possible to stay unnoticed and safe from her fluids. Adrian found comfort in the hope that if he would be close and see how happy she is with Dimitri and do whatever he wants to do in front of her one day he would be able to forget about Rose Hathaway. But he had never managed to follow his own plan.

He was so hurt when she said she wanted to stay with Belikov, he left her trying to hurt her with word as much as she did with her choice, though from the beginning Adrian knew that if there was any chance for her to be with Dimitri she would leave for him in an instance. And the thought of that always was in the back of his mind, torturing him.

And now it was all over. Belikov was gone and Adrian felt relieved though he couldn't let himself be happy with that fact when Rose was such a mess. Dimitri was her world, he light in the darkness and now it was gone, and Adrian understood that that wasn't something she would outlive quickly and easily.

It was few days after the funeral; they were driving to Omsk to fly back to States. Rose was looking blindly through the window of the car. She said nothing since she returned from the house full of Strigoi with a bleeding head of one of them. Noone blamed her though. One of Adrian's hands held Rose's palm to warm it, to make her feel real as for those few days she ate, slept and nothing more, she didn't lived, she just existed as a shadow. Obviously, a need for revenge was the last thing that kept her from going all insane.

Adrian felt sick seeing her being that way, he was ready to do anything to make her feel better and he knew that there was no such thing. They all should've just waited, should've gave her time to accept, time to realize that since now she had to learn how to live without him.

And Adrian wanted badly to teach her, though he was sure he would never do a first step until she would be ready. He wanted her and missed the feeling of her lips on his lips, he missed her terribly, but Adrian could do nothing, and the thought of standing apart was killing him. Keeping away from Rose was unbearable; it kept him from sleep the night they arrived in the Court. Adrian tossed and turned and tried to think of something else, but couldn't put the thought of Rose being hurt aside.

One of the side effects of the ability he had due to the power of Spirit, Adrian wasn't able to watch his own dreams. Since the first time he created a dream for his first girlfriend, he hadn't seen one. It was almost sixteen years, but he still couldn't forget the wonderful feeling of remembering the dream you'd just had. He used to imagine that some events in his life were dreams, good or bad, but stopped when he realized that there was no point in thinking so as the words were sad and the deeds were done. But what happened next was like a dream, it couldn't be real.

His eyes were wide open when the door opened and she came in, only covered in a blanket. Adrian had already seen her naked and he knew how beautiful she was, but he definitely didn't expect Rose to visit him at night that way. She was silent and he couldn't take his eyes from her. Rose paused right next to his bed looking at him with some kind of half smile half painful grimace; nevertheless she was amazingly beautiful, like an angel in that shining white blanket.

It was dark in the room because of the thick curtains, but he saw perfectly how that blanket slid down leaving Rose not only naked, but absolutely unprotected. He saw it in her eyes, though she came and wanted to do what she did, she wasn't really ready for what it offers her – freedom or another opportunity to lock her up.

Adrian saw disbelief in her face and suddenly felt an urge to push her as closer to him as possible, but he stayed motionless. Their eyes met and Rose believed what he could offer, what he was ready and willing to give her. She believed that she was able to try to do the same.

Rose slipped under the covers and the sense of her hot skin against his, much colder one, made him tense. She lifted her eyes as if she thought he wanted her to go away, but he just sent her a mental note, that she received feeling like she hadn't felt in a long time – peaceful.

Adrian finally fell asleep counting her heart beats.


End file.
